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The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Updated: Aug 26, 2020

In Spain, death is sad and brings just sadness accompanied by a religious rite which you may or may not find comforting.

We gather together to cry, not to honour.

We gather together around a dead body (in funeral homes) to mourn, not to remember and wish that soul or energy a peaceful journey to eternity.

That's how I've experienced it.

Yes, it is the saddest thing that my dad’s life is fading away as I write these lines. I wish him the least of the sufferings and a blissful peace after such an intense life of sacrifice and devotion to his children and grandchildren.

Thank you. I know your heart is filled with care, good intentions and love.

I love you.

Our relationship has never felt complete to me, provided me with what I’ve needed emotionally, but I’ve learned to cope and accept, and to take responsibility for myself.

Being a mom now I realise how difficult it is to know your parents outside their role, know them as that colleague from their youth or their close friend, or their sister in law or cousin. It’s in my awareness that I would like to share more about myself with my son, so he can get a picture of who I am, as a person, not only mom. And the same goes for grandpa Fernando.

Not a single day goes by without saying I love you, from our hearts.

So, I know my dad loves westerns, and I do remember complaining throughout my childhood about the movies we were watching. He read western novels too. I regret as an adult that his passion was not something that interested me and that he could have nurtured.

You are the root of the family; unity, calm and coherence always come from you. And now that you’re the centre but in this unacceptable and painful way, lots of patterns are being stirred and I wonder about the continuity and endurance of your clan, once you’re not here to talk to everyone, to help, to minimise problems, to support, to run errands, to visit and to be the bastion.

I’m already feeling a deeper bond with my husband and child because my anchor is sinking.

My chest is in pain, physical pain that presses to get out in any form. It feels as if it is going to crack open. I try to release it crying,I know I would benefit from screaming but cannot find the appropriate setting for doing that. I walk.Then, I’m ok, thinking and executing daily tasks. Then, the pain is back. Disorientation.

I am reaching for my support network, and I feel so grateful and alive for having those of you who answer your phone, even if it's been a year since we talked, and have precious words of love to help me through this.

My brothers and sister, and my sisters in-law, nephews and nieces are there with you. Thank you for everything you've been doing for the past week. Dad, I hope you are receiving the love and peace you need to be guided to your eternal rest.

I will not be there because this pandemic has turned everything upside down and the fear of getting covid-19 while traveling or there, and the (unlikely, but not zero) possibility of leaving my precious little one without a mom, is paralysing. I know you would want me to be safe. Safe is here, not there with you right now. My gift, I will always see you in him.

You will be dearly remembered, profoundly missed and always an admirable role to follow. Keep calm, don’t fight, it’s ok, I’m sending reiki to your side.

I find myself using the same words that everyone uses in case of death, don’t I?

I'm seeing mechanisms in place: the mind preparing the soul for the journey, grief not hitting home for my mum yet, I'm only remembering the good things. Pure love.

It's love that help us go through life. And emotions.

My bond with you is not disappearing after death, it's going beyond, it is transforming into something else yet to be learned.

You are such an example of love and dignity, until the end.

I will honour you while I watch the Good,the Bad and the Ugly

I will honour you when I eat gazpacho and melon

I will honour you when I think that everything's ok and nothing is such a big deal

Send us your light, please, whenever we need it. I love you so so much.

Let's embrace change together, shall we?


The emotional coach

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